So one day he collapsed.
On a soccer field.
He’s kind of perfect death.
On 16 June 2012, I lost my dead husband. Abruptly.
Suffering from a heart attack.
A tall, young, strong, handsome, good looking man. (1.8m tall, broad shoulders, good figure and looks like a Bollywood star.)
A filial son. A good father. A true friend to many.
A skillful and talented leisure football player.
A hard worker at work.
A guy who knows truly how to enjoy his life and never give in to things he don’t believe in.
And then he left me.
He left me with huge puzzles to solve.
He left me with 3 teenagers.
“The world never stop spinning no matter who is no longer around.”
Week 1 –
He was a Hindu. We were supposed to cremate him on the day itself. As it’s a Saturday, and crematoriums are closed, we are only able to cremate him on the following Monday. To be honest, it came as a great news for me. Cause then I know I have a little more time with him.
We brought him back home. Have him on a mattress in our living room. For the next 3 days I kissed and caressed him, in the lovely house we bought.
The following 3 days were a blur. I felt like an event host. So many people came and left. You see, he’s a loud, jovial, popular man. Everyone asked the same questions like, what happened, and you know, you got to repeat the same statement every single time.
So are you ok?
I really do not know how to answer this. Too tired to say anything. Now that my man is dead, I have the whole house, the whole future and the kids to fix – on my own! No one passed me any book on “how to cope with loss for dummies”.
So you have the whole house to yourself now? That must be alot of money!
What’s the “resale price” of this house?
Where are the kids going to go after this? With their mum or with you?
Will you be sell the house? If you want to sell the house, you can call me.
How much money he left you with?
Seriously?! Asking me THESE questions in a wake? Sometimes, I’m really thankful for my upbringing that I swear I never asked anyone things at that. Was it not taught to everyone in school or at home on Manners?
I got so tired answering people illogical questions, that most of the time, I just sat at one corner of my house and stared at my dead husband. Or just sleep. To avoid people.
The kids and I didn’t cry much during the wake. Sometimes, I even find myself smiling while staring at him.
We have got 3 teenagers from his previous marriage, and have lived together lovingly as a family since year 2007.
Probably because I have suddenly became the HEAD of the family and the kids look up to me all the time, there’s immerse pressure to be strong for them.
The kinda thought of – if you break down, they will break down too.
The best thing I thought I could do for the family back then was – be strong.
He’s a very strong guy and I knew he wanted us to do the same too.
Month 1 –
The kids and I realized, we only have each other. It doesn’t take long for us to realize others have their life to live too. Greetings from others got lesser too. At the same time, I rarely contacting anyone unless they text. I grew tired of explaining and looking weak to my family and friends.
At home, teenagers being teenagers, they now sought to behave and think they are all grown up. As the father is gone, they now want to be “the adult” at home. And I tried to be a mother, doing cooking and washing. Thinking this is all for him. I start hitting the gym, every single day. Time spend on the elliptical keeps me occupied. Sometimes I pushed myself so hard that I thought I might passed out. My thought – what’s the big deal in passing out? At least I died trying/doing something.
Month 2 –
Dealing with the teenagers alone is daunting. I have so many things to sort out. I don’t know where to start. I know I need to see the lawyers. I know I need to go to the bank, I know I have to look for all his documents. I know I have to LOOK strong even though I’m not.
I continue to hit the gym every single day. I don’t even know what else I can do better to change my situation other than going to the gym to max myself out and then home to cook for the kids, then sleep. Gym and sleep became my best friend. When I’m awake I think too much.
Month 3 –
It seems like he’s telling me,
“Go live your life. You saw me gone just like that. Aren’t you going to do something about it?”
And so, I went to sign up for fitness instructor course, even though I have no idea if I can make it. Heck it, do it anyway! I start having the mentality of “Never try never know. If fail, at least I have tried.”
Month 4 –
Got use – slightly – to not having him around. I observed that I still talked a lot about him, our time together, and all the things we have went through. But I have also noticed I got stronger, physically, mentally and spiritually. I got used to this thought that life is short and live life with no regrets. I start penning down my bucket list.
How to cope with losing of love ones
– Talk to your friends and family
They are the one who you can be with and still be yourself. They may not be able to feel you completely, but at least you know they will always be there for you. You are not alone.
– Don’t cope up at home.
When you have too much time alone, you tend to think too much about it. Your negative thoughts will just growing bigger and bigger, till you feel like you can’t breath. Know why? Because you keep feeding it. Get out of the house. Take a breather. Have a walk in the park. Read a book. Watch a movie. Just do something.
– Work out.
When all else fails, just hit the gym. Trust me, it helps to make you feel that you are physically strong. It wouldnt take you long to figure out that you are mentally strong too. Shy to work out alone? Get a friend to join you. Work out aids in giving you a better sleep in the night. A much needed rest amidst the many sleepless nights.
It is painful to have lost someone. But it also serve as a great reminder. How beautiful life is! Life is short. No replay. No rewind. So enjoy every moment you can and see the world.
– Join support groups or meet up group
Others may not understand how you feel, but joining a support group where all have experienced what you have went through and have moved on, you gained better insight on how to manage the loss. “Knowing this too shall pass”.
– Start your bucket list.
Have you watched the movie by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman?
After my love passed away, I happened to watch this movie by chance. The movie stuck in my head. And it sparks me to have my own bucket list. What does Bucket list means? It means having a list of things to do before you kick the bucket, in this case, death.
I started with a few items and before I know it,I have about 26 items on my list now and have “ticked” 10 of them. My list keeps growing, because I know I want to try and do my best to live my life with no regrets.
Your list can be anything, from things that might seems small – going to the movie alone, or adventurous ones, like skydiving. Your list, your choice. One life. Live it. Anything that you want to achieve in this life, list it down and give it a try.
4 Years On.
I still do miss him. Kids and I have all matured.
Kids have now all grown up to be amazing adults. Loving, caring, sweet.
I still sleep on my side of our queen size bed. I realized that he have raised the bar so high for me that I do not seek comfort or love simply from anyone. I am a lot more independent than before. Eating meals alone in a crowded place, movie alone in a theater, clubbing alone in a club, traveling alone in a foreign land without the ability to speak their language, isn’t a challenge to me anymore. I am definitely much stronger emotionally and mentally today compared to where I was 4 years ago. My perspective of things changed.
Truly, we are only as strong as we think we are. Things happen for a reason. Nothing bad will last forever. Remember – This too shall pass.
My wishes for all, live your life to the fullest for your love ones.